


Jeremy in the Kitchen.

by rat_problem



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz (Two River Cast) Actor RPF
Genre: Angst, Im Projecting, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mention of Knives, Mention of blood, Panic Attack, Repetition, but just on one word lmao, jeremy has a panic attack in the kitchen!!!, jeremys dad is only mentioned smh, mention of razor blades, mention of self harm, mention of suicide, repetition tw, self harm mention, suicide TW, trigger warning, vent - Freeform, vent fic, walls of text, writing this was therapeutic but theres a lot of triggering stuff so im sorry, wwwwww first post i have no idea how to tag!!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:29:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25618123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rat_problem/pseuds/rat_problem
Summary: hi this is a vent fic where im projecting onto jeremy and its super depressing but it was also really really therapeutic for me to write and actually???? helped so much with how im dealing with stuff so??? hell yeah new coping mechanismanyway jeremy has a panic attack in the kitchenthis is my first fic AND my first vent fic so like????? i dont know but im kinda vibin lmao
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	Jeremy in the Kitchen.

**Author's Note:**

> CHECK THE TAGS!!!!!!! FOR TRIGGER WARNINGS!!!!!!! 
> 
> ANYWAY YEAH THIS IS JUST MY DUMBASS PROJECTING ONTO JEREMY HEERE FOR MY FORST EVER VENT FIC.... WOW...... BUT ANYWAY IT ACTUALLY HELPED?????? A LOT????!?? AND NOW SHITS *KINDA* EASIER TO DEAL WITH?????? HELL YEAH NEW COPING MECHANISMS LMAO

Jeremy's in the kitchen.

It's small but it's the second biggest room in the apartment and he doesn't remember a time after ten years old where he hasn't thought of how sad that is to him.

He was ten when the divorce.  _ Happened.  _ Ten when his dad slowly began his descent into.  _ Not being his dad.  _

Things were never. Good. Not even before the divorce, he thinks, although he can't really remember a time before that. 

It doesn't matter.

What matters is the fact that the kitchen is filled with clusters of plates and he can't help but dig his nails into his arm because  _ of course.  _ Of-fucking- _ course  _ his dad forgot to put the dishes by the sink. 

It's small. It’s small and pretty insignificant but for fucks  _ sake  _ why does everything have to be made  _ harder  _ for jeremy? Why does he have to be the one to  _ always  _ do the dishes anyway? Why cant his dad get off of his sorry, pantless ass and fucking _ do something for once. _

It's pathetic.

So pathetic so pathetic so pathetic.

_ sopatheticsopatheticsopatheticsopatheticsopatheticsopatheticsopatheticsopatheticso- _

Jeremy lets out the breath he didn't know he was holding.

He tries to remember a breathing exercise his school counsellor taught him but it  _ doesn't. fucking. work. _

_ When has it ever though? _

Never. He thinks. It never fucking works. None of them do. Nothing works nothing helps nothing.  _ Magically makes shit any easier. _

Jeremy squeezes his eyes shut so tight it hurts. 

Jeremy digs his nails into his arm so hard it hurts.

Jeremy thinks so much about everything and it  _ hurts. _

More than usual.

Huh.

Finally. Something a bit different.

Shit.

His dad’s.  _ Somewhere  _ in the apartment but not in the kitchen and Jeremy realises he is  _ alone. _

By himself _. _

_ With his thoughts. _

His eyes wander to the knife block against his will.

He knows they're all blunt but lately- another difference in what he sees as ‘ _ usual’ _ \- he's been thinking about. Cutting himself. Of course the thoughts are all intrusive and he's learned to ignore them but he can't help but wonder. ‘ _ What if? _ ’.

What if he just. Just cut himself. He's done it before but it was always just.  _ Impulsive.  _ And besides he hadn't done it, or even thought about doing it really, in  _ years.  _

Why? Jeremy lets himself ask. 

Things  _ have  _ been harder. 

He's going to have to go back to school at some point soon.

He can’t stop thinking of the homework he has to do over the holiday but at the same time he  _ can’t fucking do it.  _

He can't. He can't. He can't.

He wants to. He really does. But he can't.

He feels his body suck in a breath.  _ Fuck  _ now hes gonna have to start manually fucking breathing because his brain decided to focus on how he can’t breathe and fuck fuck fuck  _ fuck _ he can’t breathe.

He brings a hand to his hair to yank and pull and tear at his scalp and he feels the damp tracks going down his cheek and  _ fuck  _ when had he started crying.

His other hand curls into a fist waiting on his decision to either punch and punch and punch and  _ punchandpunchandpunchandpunchandpunchand _ **_punch_ ** . His stomach or to grasp onto something-  _ anything _ \- for some sense of stability.

His legs start to sway so he decides on grasping at the counter and leaning on it but  _ fuck _ his hip is digging into the cupboard underneath the counter and it doesnt hurt a lot its just a dull ache.

_ The pain feels blunt,  _ his brain offhandedly supplies and  _ fuck  _ once again because now he’s thinking about the knives in the knife block and the razor blades in the bathroom that he couldn’t get out of the fucking. Shaving thing and now a part of him remembers why why why why why why  _ whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy- _

_ whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy _

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He sucks in a shaky breath.

**_why_ ** he had cut himself that day years ago seemingly out of no where for reasons that he knows he remembers but they’re at the back of his brain and all he can remember is feeling angry and alone and scared and he’s in the bathroom sat on the toilet and he’s  **there** he sees the tiny spots of blood and he remembers wondering if he’s doing it right and if there’s going to be more blood and fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck he remembers what it was like when he did it but he doesn’t remember- 

He  **_knows_ ** he can remember why he just cannot fucking  **_recall_ ** it or whatever to the front of his brain he just remembers the shouting and it’s hurting his brain and he’s sliding

_ downdowndowndowndown  _ to the tiled floor of the kitchen and he's gasping and shaking and shuddering with every gulp of air he takes in until he sits there curled in a ball on the floor, face feeling gross from the tears he can never be bothered to wipe off.

And he breathes.

He breathes.

He's breathing.

He breathes on the floor in the kitchen.

_ on the floor in the bathroom?  _

**_the kitchen._ **

The dirty kitchen.

The gross kitchen. 

The lonely kitchen.

He's alone.

  
  
  


He remembers why.

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

He wanted to kill himself.

But he wouldn't because he was scared of it hurting.

He ended up snapping at his dad and running into the bathroom and just. 

Hurting himself. To prove a point to himself maybe? Or just to look back at the irony of it. It was on an impulse though. A stupid fucking impulse.

Jeremy still wants to kill himself.

He won't.

He doesn’t think he will.

He might.

He hopes he won't.

He sits on the floor in the kitchen for a while.

He doesn't know how long.

He sits and he thinks but at the same time he doesn't.

  
  


Jeremy's in the kitchen.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> HIYA!!!!!! ISNSIWNDKSNSKSM I HOPE YOU LIKED READING THIS???? ITS MY FIRST FIC SO 😳 IANSIWNSIWMSKWM IT TURNED OUT WAY BETTER THAJ I THOUGHT IT WOULD???? ITS STILL KINDA SHITTY BUT. IYS GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY ANXIETY TO FUCK OFF FR TWO SECONDS SO I CAN POST THIS LMAO ANYWAY YEAH IF THERE ARE ANY MISTAKES PLEASE TELL ME I ONKY READ THROUGH THIS TWICE LMAO KUDOS APPRECIATED!!!! BUT YOU DONT HAVE TO LIKE. DO ANYTHING YOU DONT WANT TO DO!!!!!


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